What Your Man Is Thinking


The following is a guest article by Unleash Your Alpha author, Mike Campbell.

What’s really going on inside your man’s head...

“You wanna know what men are really thinking?  Alright, I’ll tell you.

NOTHING. We’re not thinking anything. We’re just walking around, looking around. This is the only natural inclination of men.

We like women, we want women, but that’s pretty much as far as we’ve got. That’s why we’re honking car horns, yelling from construction sites- we’re working on some new programs, but it’s not easy when your minds a blank.”

This is a quote from the legendary comedian Jerry Seinfeld. Now I have to admit, as someone who is for the progression of men out of the soft, weak and generally disappointing stereotype, I don’t fully agree with this. There are some thoughtful and extraordinary men out there (*cough, enter PT…).

Still, there is most definitely a lot of truth to the fact that we men, we aren’t progressing, we are largely “walking around, looking around.”

And this is crucial for women to understand and appreciate of your man, or any man. If you are honest with yourself you’ll be able to admit to the fact that you are always internalising stuff. Dialogue is common if not never ending.

I’ll be honest with you in return; there are moments when my mind is actually blank. I ‘come to’ and I’ve been staring or doing something totally on auto. It can seem hard to fathom I know, I’ve spoken to about this to numerous female folk.

So if you find yourself sitting there on occasion thinking “I know he’s thinking something, he has to be!” You know what, he just might not be.

That male talent for vacancy aside, there is most definitely some tantalising and strong inner dialogue that we blokes partake in on a daily basis. Some of these are general, day-to-day things, which we’ll look at, while some are more relevant to the man who is looking to improve himself and is going through some kind of change. This is where we want to focus, for it’s the man that is trying to better himself that most needs your loving support.

Inside the man cave: a perspective from one man to you

Let’s find out what a hypothetical Mr Man is thinking, means and needs… (Some assumptions here, but being someone who has coached hundreds of men, and as a man myself, I can make some… J)

Situation 1: You’re walking in public and he looks at another woman

  • What Mr Man is thinking: “That is a good looking lady. I like good looking ladies.”
  • What he’s NOT thinking: “I wonder if that woman would have sex with me and I can leave this one finally.”
  • What you should do: Relax and know that if you’re in love, he tells you this and you trust him, he isn’t thinking anything terrible and he won’t be leaving you. Do not look, seem or act desperate or jealous.

Situation 2: You ask if you look ok in those jeans (insert any number of standard “How do I look/I feel fat/don’t like myself sentences here)

  • What he’s thinking: “Not again, why does she always say this?! She looks great FFS!”
  • What he says: “Yes! I think you look sexy as hell!
  • What you should do: Do not under value this! If you trust each other and have a strong relationship you should not only be able to take his word here, but you absolutely must! To put your thoughts and energy into the thoughts of those that don’t really matter, i.e. strangers, colleagues/people who do not mean as much to you as him, is to completely undermine and disrespect him. You must learn to actually accept, believe and then validate his feedback. Men are simple in this matter, he says what he thinks and gets infuriated when you don’t take it on board. Do not do this. Ever.

Situation 3: He’s going to watch footy/hang out with/have a few beers with his mates- blokes.    He feels like he needs your permission and you either give it or you don’t (admit it- have you            done this?)

  • What he’s thinking: “F**k me, I’m just going to see the boys, what’s the big deal?!”
  • What he says: “Yes babe, I’ll only have a few and will be home early.”
  • What you should do: Always always always schedule time apart. That goes for him and man-time with his mates, dad, brother, whoever. However, it also goes for you- woman are much better at having time with the girls, chatting, sharing, getting deep or just gossiping. It is vital that men have this kind of time too. To be truly in their masculine they need real man time from time to time. However, this doesn’t actually mean just getting pissed with the boys (although it might be exactly what he needs on occasion), so I request of you to encourage him to have more than a superficial conversation with his mates, actually ask them how they are, what’s going on, do they need help etc. If you can get you man to do this, he will start to foster that vulnerability in others and in turn exhibit it himself- that much sort after softer side you want to see. Unless he is out all the time and plain being distant and irresponsible, under no circumstances should you ride him about man-time, it is healthy and necessary. Practice open and honest communication and build trust within your relationship.

Situation 4: He keeps talking about how ‘Dave’ from work is getting in great shape

  • What he’s thinking: “Dave is looking f**ken great, damn it, why won’t my gut shrink like that?!”
  • What he says: “Dave is looking pretty good at the moment. Not as good as me though, ay?”
  • What you should do: Realise that we have egos. Sometimes very much to our detriment, however, they are there. So you have to work this into some situations, without damaging it or inflating it unnecessarily. So in a situation like this he is looking for validation from you, so validate him. You don’t have to say “Yes Hun, your gut is smaller” (if it blatantly isn’t), but say, “You know I think you are sexy Hun, you’re more than enough man for me.” Then try and turn this around on him to get him to open up. Say something like “What do you think?”

It’s important to remember that as much as a man needs to drop his ego much more often, we still run on respect and validation, so do so, often. And we can do with some encouragement to open up, so try that to.

Situation 5: Your man has started/is starting an exercise and lifestyle regime to get in better shape and improve himself

  • What he’s thinking: He’s thinking numerous things here, such as “Yep, I’ve still got it, (insert your name here) isn’t going to know what hit her soon!” and “God this is hard compared to when I was younger! I just hope (insert your name here) still finds me attractive.” Or “This had better pay off in the bedroom!” and other things to that effect. Essentially he’s trying to ensure he doesn’t lose respect in his home, work and social life and he wants to mke sure he’s always desirable to you.
  • What he says: This is dependent on the man; some will hardly share a thing about his journey and what he’s doing. If they’re anything like me, they’re going on about this detail and that detail and screaming out for validation (just being honest).
  • What you should do: Ok, this is the nitty gritty. This is a very important part of  man’s life, when he is trying to better himself, you need to know why and support him as best you can. Let’s break it down in some more depth…

How to support your man when he is working on himself

First off you need to think about how this makes you feel; do you get fearful that he his improving himself or do you see it from a point of love? If it is from a place of fear; you think you might lose him or he’ll think less of you and not be attracted to you anymore, then you need to have an honest and up front chat to him about it. Ask his reasons, be open and ask it of him too. If you are fearful it might be for no reason whatsoever, so ask and find out. You absolutely must not sabotage him, belittle him or make snide remarks about his body or what he’s doing.

Now, if it is from a place of love- you want to support him and see him become a better version of himself, you need to put some thought and consideration into how to support him on his quest (*more on this shortly).

It can be hard to look at it from this point of view, especially if he becomes a little selfish about it. So first and foremost you must consider that this is a positive for him, which means a positive for your relationship… which means a positive for you! From there try to implement and exhibit these things:

  • Try and be supportive and encourage him daily. Remember, men want and need to be validated, so do it. It needn’t be over the top, just tell him he looks great today, you can notice his guns- something, anything.
  • If he’s a talker and sharer then listen to what it is he’s been doing and look to work that into conversation with specific positive feedback. “Hey, those squats are really paying off, your butt is looking great!” You might need to humour him.
  • Actively get involved and take an interest. This might mean conversational support as above, but it also might mean helping to prepare food in bulk for him, sitting down and working on his goals, or simply going for a workout with him. Do not, however, take it for granted that he wants you to train with him. He might, but ask. If so, it can be a brilliant way to support him and hugely benefit yourself too.
  • If he’s not a talker and doesn’t like to share, then leave him alone. Do not pester him for info- question why he’s doing some things or ask for specifics. Just check in every now and then to see if he’s ok, on track and if he needs any support.
  • If he’s had a big day that also included training and part of what he’s doing to improve himself, and he’s crashed out in front of the TV, but you want him to do something (insert chore here), lay off him. Let him vege out. Know that he’s working hard to better himself and in little moments like that he needs your support most, by leaving him alone. Remember that in the end, you benefit from this too, it may just require putting on your foresighted glasses… perhaps in a situation like this, just leave a little note saying you’re proud of him for the work he’s putting in, and that you’ll take care of the garbage this time. Or words to that affect.

This doesn’t mean dropping everything and pandering to his every wish and whim, it just means looking at the big picture with love and faith in him and knowing that when a woman supports her man to become his best and find his purpose she is serving both him and her, for a better him allows for a better whole.

Most of all, show him you supprt him, you’re proud of him and that through open communication and trust, he’s making himself better for the both of you.

And finally, if there’s one overriding theme to remember about what your man is thinking, well, he’s thinking that yeah, he can do anything, and he’ll try to do so. This is where you come in, because as much as this brilliant quote from Jerry Seinfeld is pretty damn close to the mark, we aren’t superhuman. It’s you that act as the cape to help us fly…

“All men kinda think of themselves like low-level super-heroes in their own world. I’m not even supposed to be telling you this. But when men are growing up and are reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman… these aren’t fantasies.  These are options. This is the deep inner secret truth of the male mind.”

Mike Campbell

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